


No Place for No Hero

by allirox13



Category: Borderlands, Homestuck
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Borderlandstuck, in which the vault hunters play sburb, told in the format of MSPA
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-08 15:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3214400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allirox13/pseuds/allirox13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Vault Hunters discover a set of game disks labeled 'SBURB,' they find themselves put to the ultimate test- solving the Ultimate Riddle and creating a new universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Borderlandstuck.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to do my best to emulate the narration style of Homestuck, but due to a lack of artistic talent, there are no pictures. I'm a horrible sprite editor, anyways.

>Borderlandstuck.  
A young woman stands in her quarters. It just so happens that- you know what? None of this jack even matters. Blah, blah, blah, get with the program!  
Oh, fine. It wasn't that interesting, anyway.

>Enter name.  
PIPPI LONGSTOCKING  
TRY AGAIN, JERKWAD!  
What kind of a freakazoid name is that? 

>Try again.  
GAIGE  
Great job, Sherlock. You solved the mystery.

>Gaige: Examine quarters.  
Your name is GAIGE. Today holds ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNIFICANCE to you or anyone you know. You have SEVERAL INTERESTS, which include ENGINEERING, ROBOTICS, and QUANTUM MECHANICS, as well as PUNISHING anyone dumb enough to MESS WITH YOU. You usually accomplish this punishment with the help of your BESTEST FRIEND FOREVER, whose name is DEATHTRAP. Also, ANARCHY. Man, oh man, do you LOVE anarchy. There's nothing better than BLOOD and CHAOS, just a DIRTY FREE-FOR-ALL where the BOURGEOISIE have no POWER to TERRORIZE the masses. SMASH THE SYSTEM! On that note, there is a SPECIAL PLACE in your heart for HEAVY METAL MUSIC. You live on the planet of PANDORA, and have made your HOME with the VAULT HUNTERS in SANCTUARY. While you were EXPLORING and LOOTING random CARDBOARD BOXES around town, you found a BUNCH OF WEIRD-ASS DISKS labeled SBURB. You plan to CONTACT your fellow VAULT HUNTERS and ask them to INSTALL the strange disks with you.  
What will you do? 

>Gaige: Retrieve arm from chest.  
Your ROBOTIC ARM is already HOOKED UP to your NERVOUS SYSTEM, dumbass!  
Wait, something in your pocket is RINGING.

>Gaige: What's that noise?  
It's your ECHO device! Someone is ECHOing you! 

>Gaige: Answer.  
>\--SIREN began ECHOing MECHROMANCER at 13:05--  
SIREN: Gaige? You said you had something to show me?  
MECHROMANCER: Sweet! you got my echo? alright alright alright  
MECHROMANCER: So i was checking out some cardboard box some random dude had dropped right  
SIREN: Gaige, I hope this is important. I don't have a lot of time to waste.  
MECHROMANCER: Whatevz. so anyway i picked up the box and some weird shiny disks were in it!  
MECHROMANCER: They said sburb on them or smth idk. but they look compatible with the echo drive  
MECHROMANCER: And there were six of them! and i was like yooooooo!!! i should ask you guys to try and install them with me!  
SIREN: So you're asking me to install some random software you found on the _street_. Gaige, do you even trust this stuff?  
MECHROMANCER: Oh, chillAX!!! whats the worst that could happen?  
SIREN: ...  
SIREN: I'll think about it.  
\--SIREN ceased ECHOing MECHROMANCER at 13:10--

You put down the ECHO device and sigh. You have a feeling today is going to be a long day.


	2. Haikus and Meat Frisbees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two more Vault Hunters answer Gaige's call. Frustration and hilarity ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ao3 ate this so I had to repost it. Sorry.  
> Thanks for reading!

==>  
You lie on your bed, staring at the ceiling fan. Peace and quiet is awfully rare, and rather boring, in your opinion, but whenever it comes, you welcome it. The quiet hum of electricity is the only sound breaking the silence.  
ECHO device: Ring.  
Who's bothering you now?  
Gaige: Pick up.

\--ASSASSIN began ECHOing MECHROMANCER at 13:14--  
ASSASSIN: I recieved y0ur call.  
ASSASSIN: These disks 0f y0urs intrigue me.   
ASSASSIN: Yet I am wary.  
MECHROMANCER: Dude. what even is your deal with poetry?  
MECHROMANCER: Like, will you die if you dont talk in verse?  
ASSASSIN: .....  
ASSASSIN: .......  
ASSASSIN: .....  
MECHROMANCER: FINE!!! i get it!!! its just your thing or some crap.  
MECHROMANCER: Anyway thats besides the point.  
MECHOMANCER: You gonna do the thing with me or not?  
ASSASSIN: I d0 n0t yet kn0w.  
ASSASSIN: Wh0 kn0ws, it might be s0me fun.  
ASSASSIN: But maybe it w0n't.  
MECHROMANCER: So its a maybe??  
ASSASSIN: Yes.

Suddenly, your device begins to beep again. You groan.

MECHROMANCER: Shit! someone else is trying to talk to me  
MECHROMANCER: Just- uh- ARGH! ttyl i guess. get back to me asap!  
MECHROMANCER: Later dude.  
\--MECHROMANCER ceased ECHOing ASSASSIN at 13:22.--

Well, at least that's over. He's never easy to talk to, and he makes ZERO sense. Must be why he got his name.  
You switch to the other line.

\--PSYCHO began ECHOing MECHROMANCER at 13:22.--   
PSYCHO: PrETTY LADYY TolD mE AOuBT YoUR FRisBEEs

Oh. It's him. You were scared of him at first, and that was understandable, but you soon realized he was just a crazy dude with a big heart. But he's still pretty hard to decipher, spitting out shit about baby blood and meaty love and... Bleh.  
MECHROMANCER: Really? uh... so are you interested? PSYCHO: iS THErrE MeA T??/?? I wSNT OT RiDE THe ENTRAilS oF THe FRISBEeeee1!s

What.  
MECHROMANCER: Uh yes. there is lots of meat involved.

It's a white lie.

PSYCHO: MeAT ADN ThE FRIsBEeQUeST FOR Th E GLOrY OF vIRGIN BLOoooOOD  
MECHROMANCER: Yep. lots and lots of meat and blood. later big guy.  
\--MECHROMANCER ceased ECHOing PSYCHO at 13:24.--  
Wait. Hold on.   
You ECHO the Psycho again.   
\--MECHROMANCER began ECHOing PSYCHO at 13:24.--  
MECHROMANCER: Hey, you dont think you could ask pretty lady to join our frisbeequest?  
MECHROMANCER: Mmkay, thanks.   
\--MECHROMANCER ceased ECHOing PSYCHO at 13:24.--

Two down, three to go. You toss the ECHO device across the bed and try to get some shut-eye. A nap sounds so nice. After all, it's not like the end of the world or anything, right?


	3. Dormez Vous?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Gaige goes MIA, the other Vault Hunters begin to consider their options more carefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad you guys are enjoying the fic! Constructive criticism is welcomed in the comment box.  
> In the future, I may not be updating every day. But I will try my best.

Within ten minutes, you are out for the count. Your sleep is so peaceful that not even the sound of your violently buzzing ECHO device can stir you.  
\--COMMANDO began ECHOing MECHROMANCER at 13:30--  
COMMANDO: So. Weird disks, huh?  
COMMANDO: I miiiiight be interested. But I gotta know something first.  
COMMANDO: What's in it for me, soldier?  
COMMANDO: Gaige?  
COMMANDO: Damn it, I know you can hear me, honey.  
COMMANDO: Jesus Christ, you're worse than Sarah. Just keep me updated.  
\--COMMANDO ceased ECHOing MECHROMANCER at 13:38-- You're not gonna wake up for another solid hour or two.  
>Gaige: Be the other girl.  
You are now the other girl.  
>Other Girl: Scream like a bullymong and grind against the wall.  
What? That is the most ridiculous thing she has ever been asked to do! It's not as horrible as the things she's done at the abbey, but still. Even if she were to obey this outrageous command, we need to know this lady's name first!  
>Enter name.  
 ~~SPECIAL CHILD~~  
Don't. Call. Me. Child.  
>Try again.  
MAYA  
Much better.  
==>  
Your name is MAYA. You are one of the SIX powerful SIRENS in the entire UNIVERSE. Your INTERESTS include READING, learning about your HISTORY and HERITAGE as a Siren, and HARNESSING your POWERFUL PHASELOCK ability. When Gaige sent you an ECHO concerning a bunch of strange software on the street, you were wary. You've never trusted STRANGERS, or STRANGE OBJECTS for that matter. You have your MIND made up: you WILL NOT install the DISK unless you ABSOLUTELY MUST.  
>Maya: Consult fellow Vault Hunters about the disks.  
That's a wise idea. But who to talk to first?  
>Maya: Consult the Commando.   
You initiate an ECHO call.   
\--SIREN began ECHOing COMMANDO at 13:40  
SIREN: Have you talked to Gaige yet?  
COMMANDO: Well, I was able to reach her, but she seems to be AWOL.  
COMMANDO: My best guess is that she's either deliberately ignoring me because I insulted her digistruct tech the other day, or  
SIREN: She's sleeping.  
COMMANDO: Yeah... I was gonna say that. How'd you guess?  
SIREN: I don't know, maybe I have an advantage by knowing what it's like to be an adolescent female.  
SIREN: Just a guess.  
COMMANDO: Ha. Ha.  COMMANDO: Anyway. Back to business. I'm very curious about Gaige's disks.  
SIREN: And why's that, chief?  
COMMANDO: Don't call me that.  
COMMANDO: But if you gotta know, I just have a feeling that those disks are important. Like, galaxy-wide fame and fortune important.  
SIREN: We're both already wanted across the galaxy, though. Can't get more famous than that.  
COMMANDO: I beg to differ.  
COMMANDO: Well, I think we've finished this conversation. Later, Maya.  
SIREN: Wait-  
\--COMMANDO ceased ECHOing SIREN at 13:45--  
Damn it. You sit on your bed and meditate, closing your eyes.  
>Explosion: Occur.  
WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL?  
>Maya: Investigate.   
As you venture outside, the sound of maniacal laughter catches your attention. You sigh, and walk in the direction of the noise. You know how to deal with this guy.


	4. Stop! (In the Name of Meat)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Maya ventures outside to investigate an explosion, she consults the witness who saw the whole thing happen. Too bad nothing he says makes coherent sense.

>Maya: What caused the explosion, anyways?  
Holy shit, is that a meteor? As you stare at the smoking crater, several more people crowd around and murmur nervously. The sound of maniacal laughter rises above the crowd, and you let out a sigh.  
==>  
A hulking giant of a man with a mask clamped over his face is doubled over in laughter on the floor. You crouch down to meet his eyes.  
MAYA: Oh my god, are you okay?  
KRIEG: aM I OKAY??? IM MOREE ThAN OKay!!!  
KRIEG: HaPPINESS IS A WARM EXPLOSION!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM BABY!  
MAYA: Well, at least you weren't hurt.  
MAYA: How did this even happen, anyways? Isn't Sanctuary protected by shields or whatnot?  
KRIEG: STICKS AND STOnES WILlL SMaSH YoUR BONEs BUT ShIELDS WILL NEvER KILL You  
KRIEG: AlSo  
KRIEG: I jUST REMEMeMBERED  
KRIEG: WilLL YOu jOIn ME ON mY FRiSBEEQUEST?

You can't help but grin. Gaige's dexterity never ceases to amaze you. You've gotta hand it to the kid.  
You realize that if Gaige already has Krieg convinced, your options are limited to two choices: do it and suffer the consequences, or don't do it, and suffer the consequences. Krieg is looking at you with eyes that could melt the heart of Handsome Jack himself, and you bite your lip. 

MAYA: Alright, but only because I don't want anything bad to happen to you and Gaige. Which of course, is inevitable.

As soon as the words leave your lips, you instantly know that you're going to regret it.  
Krieg whoops and wraps you in a choking hug. After a tender 5 minutes of embracing, you pick up your ECHO device to notice a very strange message scrolling across the screen. Your heart sinks.

THE WORST IS YET TO COME.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, folks. Monday is the busiest day, and I just wanted to get this out of the way. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!


	5. The Three Amigos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our scene shifts to the entrance of Moxxi's bar, where the Commando, the Gunzerker, and the Assassin discuss the meteor that just broke through Sanctuatry's impenetrable shield, the ominous message on their ECHO screens, and going with your gut. In no particular order, of course.

>And now for something completely different.  
You are now the Commando.  
==>  
Your name is AXTON, and you are hastily exiting Moxxi's bar after a crash rocks the ground beneath your feet. Two other Vault Hunters step out behind you. The three of you gasp almost in complete unison. It's a meteor, and it's almost as large as a Hyperion Constuctor.  
COMMANDO: Holy shit.  
Your ECHO device buzzes angrily just as the words leave your mouth. You retrieve your ECHO device and notice that your companions are doing the same.  
THE WORST IS YET TO COME.  
The three of you exchange looks of concern. Or at least, you guess that's what the Assassin is doing. You've never seen him take off his mask. Ever.  
ASSASSIN: S0mething here is 0ff.  
ASSASSIN: F0r starters, there sh0uld be shields  
ASSASSIN: That cann0t g0 d0wn.

The Gunzerker shakes his head, and waves his device at you and the Assassin.  
GUNZERKER: yeah, but that's not half as fishy as this, _hermano_.  
GUNZERKER: didn't gaige say she firewalled our echos so only people we trust can send us messages?  
COMMANDO: Yeah, she did. Something's definitely wrong here, boys.  
COMMANDO: I have a feeling it has something to do with the disks Gaige found.  
GUNZERKER: no way, jose. i'm not getting involved in this. sorry, ax.  
ASSASSIN: But maybe y0u're right  
ASSASSIN: If the w0rst is yet t0 c0me,  
ASSASSIN: We sh0uld take the risk.  
COMMANDO: Looks like you're outvoted, Sal.  
ASSASSIN: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

An awkward silence drapes over the group like a curtain. Salvador is clearly conflicted here. His right eye twitches.  
GUNZERKER: alright, alright! fine. i'll do it. but if we get screwed over, i swear on _mi abuela_ , i'll mess you _pendejos_ up so hard you won't remember where you came from!  
There's the Sal you begrudgingly tolerate. A smile crosses your face and you imagine that Zer0 is smiling too, behind that weird Daft Punky helmet of his. You guess you'll ECHO Gaige or  
Wait, looks like the girl's already one step ahead of you.  
\--MECHROMANCER began ECHOing COMMANDO at 14:13--  
MECHROMANCER: Omigod did you see that?! theres a friggin METEOR smack dab in the middle of sanctuary!  
COMMANDO: Yeah. I know. And you got that message too, right?  
MECHROMANCER: Hax! mad hax, thats what weve got. gotta admire those skills, tbh. that firewall SHOULDA been unbreakable  
COMMANDO: Gaige, that's beside the point. What I was gonna tell you was that you've got the Three Amigos aboard for your installation thing.  
MECHROMANCER: The three a what now.  
COMMANDO: Sal's idea.  
MECHROMANCER: Whatevs, brah. hopefully krieg got maya onboard. do me a good turn and shoot her a message. were doing this man. were making this happen.  
COMMANDO: So where are we gonna meet?  
MECHROMANCER: Crimson raiders hq. 6 oclock. lets get this system SMASHED!  
\--MECHROMANCER ceased ECHOing COMMANDO at 14:20--

Salvador and Zer0 look at you expectantly.  
COMMANDO: Oh my god, are you really asking me to do this.  
Silence.  
COMMANDO: Ugh, alright. ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL!  
Salvador hoots and tears you a high-five, which makes your hand tingle for five minutes. That dude is far too strong for his own good.  
You get the feeling it's going to be a long day. 

**Author's Note:**

> SO. I'm planning to post as often as possible, but sporadic hiatuses could and probably should be expected. This is my first serious project, and I welcome all constructive criticism! Thanks for reading.


End file.
